happy? holidays

I'm not really a humbug. I mostly enjoy the holidays although our schedule always ends up so jampacked that I feel like I need a vacation afterwards. The hard thing is that the majorty of people that I've cared about who have died, did so during the holiday season. So it is a bittersweet time of year.

My grandmother passed away today. We've known it was coming for a few weeks but the reality is hard none the less. I've been bouncing betwen numbness and sadness all afternoon. The strange part is that her death itself isn't what's getting to me. The thing that makes me tear up is the thoughts about her being with God right now, seeing my grandfather again. The selfish part of me is glad that the waiting is over. The rest of me is coping with the idea that I can't pick up the phone and hear her say "Well hello there!" I can hear say it as I type.

It's only been three hours since she passed. I'll probably have more to say once it all sinks in.