attention

I find myself constantly struggling with a strange quandary. I am sure that I am not alone in this but still... there are two aspects of attention that just frustrate and confound me.

There is a part of me that craves attention. The person I used to be would have just outright bragged about something, anything, to get that attention. I don't brag the way I used to. Yet I still find myself at times saying stuff that is simply trying to garner some attention. It's a struggle of ego vs. humility and it is constantly there. I think the biggest difference between then and now is that afterwards I recognize what I just did and it leaves me feeling uncomfortable.

There is another side to this issue of attention. While I can be far too quick to draw attention to myself, I get really embarrassed when someone else says something positive or flattering about me. Why is that? Its crazy that attention can both come from blatant pride and also stir emotions of embarrasment or even guilt.

I know that I've been a bit, well, obsessed really about identity lately. And I think that this is just one more part of it. When we feel insecure about who we are... When I feel insecure about who I am the need for attention grows and the conflicting emotions and reactions grow. However, when I know who I am, no doubts, no worries - the struggle fades. I don't crave the attention as much and I don't get as embarrased at compliments from others. When I am sure in who I am I don't need the attention for significance or meaning in my life.

The biggest difference in me now verses 10-15 years ago is that it is a battle. Before I never knew who I was and totally defined myself by the attention of others. I've seen the real me, who God made me to be. Now the battle is on as I learn and grow to be comfortable with who I really am. Progress, one day at a time.