reform of the heart

It's funny how we compartmentalize so many things in our lives. Just the other day I was talking with someone about previous ministries that I had been a part of and the tendency to never re-evaluate ways of doing things or past decisions made. Things are often done for the right reasons or with the right intent but after time lose that same relevance to the situation. Things change and re-evaluation is needed to determine if things are still on the right path or where we intended them to go.

The same is true for our hearts. Am I still faithful to the things God called me to or have I held on to the dictations of a particular circumstance long after things have changed. Have I reached a level of contentment that places all trust in my own capabilities and interpretations of events rather than in God's continual work and provision? That is where I find myself this evening. I've been going through the motions lately and God has still been faithful to speak to me during this time but I have not been willing to hear the full breadth of what he has to say. As a father, a husband, an employee and a leader at church I have relied too heavily on my own abilities. It hasn't been a matter of not praying and reading the Bible. It's just that I haven't really placed full trust in God to take care of things. It's been more lip service than faith.

I listened to leaders in our church confess many of their sins tonight before all of us. And I sat there crying because so much of what they said was and is true for me as well. And so God has begun a work of reform in my heart tonight that hurts immensely but I hope does not cease anytime soon.

insomnia?

I've blogged about this before. I'm three days in to my wife's three week mission trip to Liberia, West Africa. And I can't sleep. It's not worry or anxiety over how she's doing that keeps me up. It's the physical absence. I'm sitting on my bed right now with no real desire to turn off the lights and lie down. Because she's not here.

It's weird that for four years I worked graveyards four nights a week and was out of town another. During that time it was harder to sleep when we were together. That other person taking up space in the bed... Now however there is an innate comfort that comes from that presence. It's a missing piece when she or I am gone and it just feels off.