survey

So I just completed this online survey for recent graduates of Souther Baptist seminaries. Granted its after midnight and I just had a beer but I felt pretty cynical taking that survey. Lets think about some of the questions: Are you a 5-point calvinist, is it ok for Christians to drink, did the spiritual gift of tongues cease during the first century, what is your church's annual budget... the list goes on. Honestly I felt like they were trying to pigeonhole the survey takers into two camps, agree or disagree with SBC doctrines. Even though you state whether or not your church is affiliated with the SBC.

I think what it comes down to is that I am so tired of their sniping at each other over toeing their doctrinal lines tht they've lost focus on what Jesus was really about. I know that that is a very big generalization. But having come out of all the political maneuvering, watching it's impact on my family, the churches I've served at, and the seminary I attended I am just extremely cynical in my attitude toward anything Southern Baptist.

Enough of my rant. I'm going to bed.

cleansing

I'm not really a big one about making changes at the new year. It seems like its just a big excuse to come up with what are usually unreasonable goals about who you want to be, knowing that you won't follow through for more than a few weeks if you're really diligent.

There is a huge difference between contrived change and change that flows naturally from the actual events of our lives. That's where I find myself tonight. It's been a week of ups and downs. Beween flying back to Oklahoma for my grandma's funeral, Sara going to Montesano for another funeral, stuff at work and one great evening with my SOMA family... there has been a lot running through my mind. It has been a week of really looking at who and what is important in my life. And it is with that renewed awareness that change is brewing.

I am so emotionally drained and raw that it is having a cleansing effect. The beauty of the past week is the way in which it has forced me to find peace in Jesus.

I want to say that I am immensely proud of my sister. She's gone through all sorts of crap over the past year. But she stuck to her goals, her dreams, and now she's moving to Berkely to start a great new job. A new job to mark the start of a new period in her life.

And here Sara and I are starting a new period in our ministry as we join a family within SOMA. Last night was just great for me as I sat at Caesar's house eating and drinking with people that I truly wanted to be with. The desire to return and spend time with them is intense. That is a tremendous expression of what church should look and feel like. I'm really at a loss for words to describe the joy of my heart at this discovery.

I know that I'm meandering through a ton of thoughts in my head right now. It's part of the cleansing process.

happy? holidays

I'm not really a humbug. I mostly enjoy the holidays although our schedule always ends up so jampacked that I feel like I need a vacation afterwards. The hard thing is that the majorty of people that I've cared about who have died, did so during the holiday season. So it is a bittersweet time of year.

My grandmother passed away today. We've known it was coming for a few weeks but the reality is hard none the less. I've been bouncing betwen numbness and sadness all afternoon. The strange part is that her death itself isn't what's getting to me. The thing that makes me tear up is the thoughts about her being with God right now, seeing my grandfather again. The selfish part of me is glad that the waiting is over. The rest of me is coping with the idea that I can't pick up the phone and hear her say "Well hello there!" I can hear say it as I type.

It's only been three hours since she passed. I'll probably have more to say once it all sinks in.

Identity

I must admit that my thoughts have been pretty consumed with the issue of identity since yesterday morning. How do I identitfy myself, why do I identify myself that way, is that really who I am? Honestly this seems a somewhat strange place to bring it up since MySpace is often about how you wnat people to see you, to identify who you are. And its not always the real you. Its the you that you desire people to see and believe.

I just glanced over at the bookcase next to my computer and right there at eye level is a book titled "The search for significance". It is such an apt description of our culture, of my generation and those younger than I. We are searching for a sense of significance, a sense that our lives have meaning. As a follower of Jesus its natural to simply say that I'm a child of God. So why do I still search.

Bono wrote:

"I believe in the Kingdom Come, then all the colours will bleed into one, But yes I'm still running, You broke the bonds, You loosed the chains, You carried the cross and my shame, You know I believe it but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Sometimes belief isn't enough. We can believe in things all we want but if we don't find an identity that we can fully embrace we will always keep looking. The thing that keeps reverberating through my head from yesterday is the imago Dei, the image of God. I have no doubt that God loves us. I have no doubt that despite how screwed up I am God loves me. And so this idea of being a bearer of the image of God becomes so striking. I've read the Genesis account so many times I've become a bit numb to it. And yet there God says that he is making humankind in His image. So we are all bearers of the image of God even in this messed up world we've created for ourselves. Am I really willing to see myself that way, accept that identity? Am I willing to see others that way regardless of how I may feel about them?

This tension is a huge part of who I am. I am trying to live a life that truly reflects what I believe. And the challenges are new each day as I grow in my faith and knowledge of God. So here I find myself accepting a new aspect of this identity. Twisted and warped though I may be, my prayer is that the people I come into contact with each day would be able to see the image of God in me. More than that I pray that they would truly encounter Jesus through me.